Excerpt
THE BEGINNING OF A HEARTACHE
Nicholas was a challenge to say the least. He was not sitting up when
he was supposed to, and one of his feet was turned inward. I tried to prop
him up, and he would fall down or lean over. I knew without a doubt that
he definitely had problems.
The doctor put braces on both of his tiny shoes and attached them with
a bar, joining both shoes with the braces. The braces were made out of
steel. The doctor was in hopes that it would straighten his feet.
It was hard to change his diapers or do the usual playing or bonding
with him as other parents do with their children. I could barely hold him
because of the bothersome metal braces. He had to wear these braces for
six months, and it was very difficult for him and me. His little legs would
get red, and I knew they must be uncomfortable. I was beginning to wonder
if I should take them off because of the misery.
Later, I learned that most children are born with their feet turned slightly
inward, and they would eventually grow straight on their own. I cried a lot,
wondering just what I had put my precious afflicted child through. I spent
all of my days rocking him and singing to him for that seemed to quiet him.
“Can you believe that during the brace ordeal, he cried very little?” I believe
that autistic children do not feel the pain as we do. I guess I felt the pain for
him, and Jesus took away the pain because of Norman’s and my prayers.
Nicholas was not even trying to crawl at a year old, and I really got
concerned. A friend of mine had a child within a week of Nicholas, and
her baby was crawling and about ready to walk. She would always ask me,
“Why isn’t Nicholas crawling or walking yet?” She was a well-meaning
person, but sometimes those well-meaning people are best to stay away
from even if they are friends. The negative force that they say is brought
upon you. I know she meant well, as to why he was not progressing, but it
would only depress me in the comparison of her baby and Nicholas.
I know we are all made in the image and likeness of God, and we need
to realize that to God all our features, talents, and skills are different. Just
as He made every fingerprint and snowflake different, so He did with
people. I know I would hate to see all of the people walking around with
the same opinions.
I knew that something was still not right, and I did not need anyone to
tell me. I kept praying for a miracle to happen. I guess I put off the inevitable
of asking the doctor about this because I think I already knew the answer
deep down in my spirit. God had created Nicholas the way He wanted him to
be and for a special purpose. At that time, it was not to be revealed to me.
You know, when we think that everything has to look perfect as the world
sees it on the outside, the sun can come bursting through. God’s love can come
in the most unusual way, like the reflection of a rainbow after a rain. God
knows what He is doing and, through prayer, can change things. Sometimes,
God has a greater purpose in mind that we cannot see in our natural mind.
He has His plans worked out already if we only trust in Him. There’s those
words again— wait , love , and trust . I cannot get out of saying them, for they
are the answer to the miracles that God will eventually bestow upon us.
God promised that those who wait on the Lord shall renew their
strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not
be weary; they shall walk and not faint. He put that scripture in the Bible
especially for us. So many days, I just did not think I had Jesus anywhere
around, and then some small stream of light would come bursting through
a crack in the window. It was like a dark room, and then all of a sudden,
that crack would become a spotlight and lights up the entire room.
Making Progress
By his second birthday, Nick was crawling and pulling himself up, but
not walking yet. I knew Nicholas was way behind in what he should have
been doing by now. Thank God, my little heir of salvation was trying. He
was not even trying to speak to me, but he would look at me and point at
objects. He especially liked cookies, and he would tug on me and point at
them. Even this little gesture would thrill me.
One of the hardest things was the potty training. I wrestled with that
project for about a year. I even bought him a little chair that chimed when
he would have to go to the bathroom. He would not tell me, so every half
hour or so, I would put him on the chair. He loved to hear the chime, so he
finally caught on to what I was doing and what he was supposed to be doing.
Lord, I am glad that project passed, and we did not have to redo that!
It was a nerve-racking moment in time for me to have to face. I knew I had
to ask the doctor about his walking and not talking by now. The Holy Spirit
prompted me to seek advice, for He knew I needed to know just what to expect.
Nicholas had a female doctor then, and I did ask her about Nicholas
being so far behind other children. She told me the blunt truth that no
parent likes to hear. She said, “Your son is retarded. I am going to have
to make arrangements for you to get him tested at a leading university in
New Orleans , to see what can be done for him. He may have special needs,
now and in the future.”
I was numb and in shock, knowing she was right. Nicholas was slow,
but I did not want to hear the words. Just like we do not want the Lord to
tell us things we know we should do or that which is wrong. Every parent
alive should be on their knees and be thanking God for a perfect child
in every way, physical and mental. I assure you that there is heartache,
heartbreaks, and surrendering to God all you have. I got to the point that I
asked God to heal Nicholas and take me home instead! It really gets that
desperate, for you want your child to be normal!
I brought Nicholas over to the pediatrician that she had recommended
about his problem. He was measured, poked, and probed on so much that
it was beginning to look to me like they were trying to experiment on him.
They measured about everything God made on him and treated him like
a pincushion.
I was told he had a very low IQ and would require speech therapy and
special schooling. I was also told he would never be able to count, spell,
read, or live any sort of a normal life. He would always be with Norman
and me for the rest of our lives. We left there as if we had just gotten a
death sentence.
A close relative even wrote me a letter, saying she would put him in
a home before I got bonded with him if she were me. I just sat down and
wept. How can a woman carry a baby for nine months and not bond with
him? I had been through hell on earth to keep this baby from being aborted,
and I was more determined than ever to help him achieve. I wanted him
to be all that he could possibly become with Jesus’s help.
I could have given up at that point, but I chose to stick by Jesus. They
just did not know how the Lord Jesus Christ still works in people’s lives
today as when He walked this earth in human form. He still hears the cry of
a mother’s heart with love and compassion. I just had to trust in Him and let
Him have His way in this matter. I was really being taught the fruits of the
Spirit, and you know, it was still that ole patience and waiting thing again
with me. Maybe one day this ole brain would finally get the message.
Getting the Work Started
I got him started on speech therapy and tried all sorts of new things
to play with him. In my mind, I thought that I could fix him to be normal
somehow. I thought he would grow out of this stage he was going through.
I spent numerous hours, trying to make him talk and mimic my words and
ask for what he wanted.
I never gave up hope in God for a healing, but I learned that to go by
the unseen and live by faith was extremely hard but necessary. I could not
fix Nicholas any more than I could put a star in the heavens or make the
seas. This situation was strictly God’s.
I had another friend down the street that would come and visit with
her two beautiful children. She asked me one day, “Do you really believe
that God can ever make Nicholas halfway normal?” I was really hurt, but I
answered her that when Jesus got ready, He could do anything. She laughed
and said, “I believe in Jesus, but I do not think He can make Nicholas like
a normal child.” As you can guess, our friendship did not last for long.
Nicholas Breaking Out of His Shell
By the age of three, he finally started walking and saying a few words,
such as cookie or Mickey . Mickey Mouse was his favorite toy then. I was led
to tears when Nicholas first said the word mama . I thought, Oh boy, now I
am getting somewhere , but then he developed another problem. He would
rock back and forth and back and forth without stopping. Sometimes, he
would run across from one end of the room to the other without stopping.
It was nerve-racking, and I did not know what to do but pray. My prayer
closet was kept hot!
I asked the doctor about this, and she said, “This behavior was typical
of autistic children.” I did not understand what autism was, and I was so
naïve that I thought she implied he was good at art. I told her, “Yes, he is.
He draws all the time. You should see the cartoons he draws.” She looked
at me funny and said, “No, I mean, he will not ever be normal, and he
will have to live with you forever or make arrangements to put him in a
special home.” I was really depressed! He was my beautiful miracle child
from God, and I was not going to let anyone take him away as long as my
husband and I had a breath in us.
Being Seen in a Different Light
What really hurt was that others saw him in a different way than we did.
Other people in public would stare at him and whisper among themselves.
I thought to myself, Any human being on this earth, no matter the age,
could suddenly become disabled physically or mentally incapacitated by
an accident . It made me feel sorry for them that they had to stare at him
like he was an alien from space.
I really felt a need to pray for them and to forgive them as Jesus
forgave those that hurt Him. They were just ignorant and did not know
the situation. I guess, at one time, I would not have either. I put myself
in their place mentally, and before Nicholas was born, I might have been
as guilty as they.
My mother had been blessed with eight children that were perfect, and
I was the only child of hers that had an imperfect child. I was dumbfounded
that I had an afflicted child. Norman and I were going through this trial
together, and I knew in our hearts we were not about to give up or give in
to doctor reports, people who stared, or even our relatives and what they
thought.
Sometimes, we think we have the answers for others, but we should
look and think before we act, for we have never walked in their shoes. Jesus
said, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” I believe that many people miss
that passage in the Bible, for they never have had any problems and had
perfect children and situations. They have never even thought about others
or what if they bore a child who had a problem of any kind and they had
to take care of them for the rest of their lives.
God wants all of us to come to Him as little children, for He knows
that children are innocent and have faith. That is where adults mess up.
They say a few prayers with their mind not really on what they are praying
for and then leave their prayer closet believing that what they praying for
were all that was required of them. We all have to first come to Christ and
believe He will do what He said and accept His words as the truth, and
then the miraculous happens.
CHAPTER 7
SATAN TAKING ANOTHER SHOT
As if I did not have enough to do or deal with, Satan pops in with his
visit. When Nicholas was about three and a half years old, I suddenly woke
up one morning with a new challenge to face. I discovered a huge golf
ball-size lump under my right arm. I asked my husband about it, and he
was so concerned that we made an appointment with my gyn doctor for
him to take a look. He poked around on my right breast and found a small
pea-sized lump, but he considered it to be nothing to be alarmed about. He
gave me some medicine he prescribed and said it should go away. After I
took the medicine, in about eight hours, my right breast swelled up twice
its normal size. It was almost too hot to touch! It felt like ants stinging me
inside the breast. I knew that this was not right. I was having my faith tested
and under attack from the well-known enemy, Satan and his demons.
I knew that I had another spiritual warfare attack and that I had to put
on all of my armor and faith to beat this one. I also knew that God would
be with me in this episode too if I hung on to His every Word and not give
up on my faith, hope, or love. There are those words again, and I really
did dig into the Word to get healing scriptures and seek God’s face. This
was the only thing that comforted me in the darkest hours.
When my husband had gotten laid off from his job at the Good Hope
Gasoline Oil Refi nery, he started an electrical business from our house
in Slidell. It was a full-time job for him. He had gone into business on a
shoestring budget, and that was our only means of income. Norman had
just been laid off from his job two months before this cancer incident.